Saturday, March 26, 2011

If My Heart Could Talk

Sometimes it’s hard for me to put my emotions into words. My mouth says one thing but my heart is experiencing it with much more passion than I am able to describe. Somewhere between my heart and my mouth the fiery intensity I am feeling seems to dwindle into simple 1 or 2 syllable words that do not even begin to scratch the surface of defining my emotion. Words diminish what my heart is really feeling. That’s how I feel when I talk about the pride and love that I have for my husband, but also how I feel when I speak of the fear and heartbreak that goes along with loving him.

If my heart could talk it would tell you that it swells with pride when my husband gets brought up in conversation and that the very sound of his name being spoken makes it skip a beat. That every time the National Anthem is played my body is taken over by goose bumps knowing that he fights so the lyrics in that song can remain true. A huge lump fills my throat and I can feel the tears begin to fall whenever I see someone in an army uniform. Butterflies race through my stomach when the words “Hey beautiful” or “Sup sexy” pop up on my phone and I can’t stop smiling. My body is overcome by a sense of peace and relief when I hear him say “I’m alright”, those 2 simple words mean more to me than I could ever explain and hearing them from his lips feels amazing every time.

But if my heart could talk it would also tell you that it stops beating and sinks into my stomach whenever my doorbell rings. That every time we hang up the phone it breaks a little more than the last time we hung up and my mind starts to race trying to remember if I told him I love him enough times. The very thought of it possibly being our last conversation makes my knees weak and my gut turn. The small pieces break into even tinier pieces when I hear about the death of a soldier on the news and the pain I feel for that family makes my heart ache. My chest gets tight and I find it hard to breathe when I don’t hear from him for a few days, knowing that there are many reasons why he hasn’t called and none of them are usually good. When I go to bed at night I have to keep the tv or my radio on because the silence scares me. It reminds me that I am alone and my mind starts to wander.

I never knew my body could feel so many emotions, so many strong emotions. I didn’t know a lot of things about myself until I fell in love with a soldier. I never knew I could love so much or so strongly. I also never knew that I could fall in love with the same person over and over again without even seeing or touching him. Never would I have ever imagined that I would forget what it feels like to kiss my own husband. Most of all, I never knew how strong I am but now that being strong is my only option I feel like I can do anything.

I am a superwoman.

To sum it all up, my mouth could tell you that he is my hero and that I love him but those are just simply words. The way I see him and the feelings I have for him are so much more than that. I would spend the rest of my life waiting for him if it meant I got even a few short moments with him in the end. He is my everything.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

MIA

Dear Followers,

I deeply apologize that I have been missing for so long. My laptop was broken for a couple weeks then I ended up going to Ft. Campbell for a couple weeks also. So I can't even remember the last time I wrote on here. I have missed it so much, now that I am home I have so much to write about. I will start asap. Thank you all for sticking with me :)

-Em